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[03 Dec 2009|04:00pm] sometimes it is hard to date someone who is totally mad. ruslan is super level headed, but also completely insane. case in point: he has been awake for the past 48 hours composing/perfecting a symphony. like, ok. i understand that he's super motivated/perfectionist/whatever but how are you supposed to be my boyfreen if you won't leave your desk for 48 hours straight i mean shit, how are you even supposed to take care of yourself?! i can respect his dedication/work ethic/whatever but like, seriously?? go to fucking bed. hehehee & ?

mothers & sisters [01 Dec 2009|07:26pm] i eat ash to fill the silence i eat ash to ease my need for answers because the tree stops at the soil it springs from-- no roots, only extending upwards. a family of fresh starts. a history of erasure. a lifetime of lacking. rainclouds follow them everywhere, three paces behind, allowing for advancement but erasing traces, eroding the footprints. eyes designed only to see ahead, memory only for the short-term. a clear trajectory but no origin, as if space just carved them out one day, intentions undecided and undeclared. kept secret even. and they won't even know each other.. . . connections fertilize roots, cement the footsteps, but perhaps this is dangerous. i can't understand why else a whole history of hearts would take this journey in solitude and silence. how can you know where you're going if you can't even see where you've been? what color are the leaves? - she had cosmopolitan taste and he was a milkman. a third generation german immigrant with his own truck and his own route. did you descend, or did you fall? - she was living off of her second husband's life insurance policy. they shouldn't have been married. he would only hold me until my sister came into the room. define agency. - my sister sprung from love. they wanted her to happen. i was an accident, evidence of one gasping reunion. so he loved her better. i was like residue. he couldn't get clean. tell me what you know about running away. - everything. my life was built on the escape. yours is too. it's in your blood, in your d.n.a.. my mother married when she was fifteen. it was a way out. she ran her whole life. leaving pieces behind, children scattered across states. i hardly knew them. it's only shared genes anyways. to me it is. he ran too. after i was eight. my sister ran after that. i was alone until i was old enough to run too. i met my way out when i was fourteen. i told him i was older. how did you sleep? - after all the leaving i clung tightly to the one i'd found. but he left too. when i was twenty-three he told me he wanted to be unmarried. i got sick. i slept by sedation. it was all i could do. the doctors could barely help me, but they did make me sleep. i slept for two years. what color are the leaves? - for two years i slept in the desert. when i awoke, everything was different. my skin felt different. don't ask me to explain that because i can't. i had to start running again. but it was different. then you happened. what has been erased? - i'm sorry you have so many questions. i haven't always been a good truth-teller. not to say that i have been dishonest with you, but perhaps i have withheld too much for too long. i don't want you to drown in the silence of our ancestry. do you love me? - yes. you saved my life. did you descend, or did you fall? - this is something i am still trying to decide. i identify more with the birds. & ?

shittyshitmcshitshit [01 Dec 2009|03:09pm] and then shit gets all complicated. and shit. handled it right. but it wasn't the way i wanted. & ?

turkeeee [26 Nov 2009|12:12pm] i am at home watching dexter with my momma. snuggly in bed! with doggy and kitties. i have tonsilitis but it's not a big deal. i am so excited to eat MAD FOODZ. mad foodz. i am also grateful for a lot of stuff too. love fwenz family happy house mmmm i hope everybody is guuuuuud luffluffflufffff & ?

[23 Nov 2009|09:59am] went to bed at two, been up for three hours already, weeeee!!!!! i feel craazeeeEEeee yesterday was really nice i think. balto and i have been fighting through a lot lately and yesterday we just got to chill out. took the baby to the park and i helped teach him how to ride a bike. then we skated down to the FDR and along some parks, went down under the williamsburg bridge and found a cool park with lots of seal statues. skated and played, then we skated around the lower east side some more, he showed me some stuff and we played. it's nice when he takes me on funventures because he grew up in the city and knows a lot more than he lets on. i like having a tour guide, still. then we skated to jorges and played with his volcano got soo blazed acted silly then had the besttt skate through alphabet city it was like, sunday-night quiet, perfect weather.. then he went to some movie premiere and i went to do hw and blazeablaze at my house with fwenz. too much wee lately honestly i feel soo thickheaded but this bags almost done so i guess it'll be fine... going home tomorrow after class verr excited i have only been home for like one night since i moved back to new york. gunna be around tues night-saturday. i dont really have any place to stay so im couch surfing i dunno we'll see. so happy to see fwenz and family. and FOOOOOD i swear to god im having baltos triplets i cant stop eating. i guess thats not a funny thing to joke about. i also have to steal my blanket from evan "the douchebag" ramsay i dunno how thats gunna work but people who are extended hospitality should not return the favor with theft. jeeps and the mouse that lives with me and lila is becoming a problem. its getting too noisy too balsy to not afraid of us. i am going to step on it with my combat boots. actually im not kidding. guts on the floor..worth it. gotta put this motherfucker in line mauahahahahahah whatever ok go write my paper & ?

[16 Nov 2009|03:16am] at least i have another giant beer and the new episode of dexter leaked online sunday nights 1 & ?

[16 Nov 2009|03:14am] wish i had my typewriter 1 & ?

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